“Sometimes when you pick up your child you can feel the map of your own bones beneath your hands, or smell the scent of your skin in the nape of his neck. This is the most extraordinary thing about motherhood - finding a piece of yourself separate and apart that all the same you could not live without.”

― Jodi Picoult, Perfect Match 

Over a decade ago I was diagnosed with PCOS. Back then, the doctor wasn't quite sure what to do except to send you home with a little booklet with scarce information - which I read.

Most of the information wasn't very useful, just details of things that PCOS'ers like me would already know. The important information for me though was it was known to affect fertility, and back then, at that young age, it made me feel anxious about circumstances that seemed so far off into the future.

In 2009 I got married to the love of my life, we'd talked about my issues with PCOS but I knew the seriousness of the problem was not really considered problematic by my significant other. I'd just been given a promotion in my job in banking and finance and we decided to put off trying to conceive because for some reason I felt that my job was much more important than starting a family. I was 31 and I'd convinced myself that in this day and age, age didn't really matter. I'd been reading all over the place of people becoming 1st time mothers at 40, and certainly around me, not very many of my friends were having kids yet.

When we did finally start trying to conceive, I considered myself pretty lucky. Other than a couple of comments from some friends, our parents did not push us about having grand kids. My mother in law once mentioned on the sly that her group of friends had discussed how tight underwear affected men's fertility. This was right out of the blue and I knew it was a subtle hint for me to talk about it with my husband. I found it rather funny at the time but I have to admit, I was still anxious. At that time we'd been trying for 2 years.

Part of our problem, other than the PCOS was our doctor at the time. Let's call him Dr ML. I hadn't been happy with this doctor from the start. He was young and so blase but he was conveniently located to us and my husband had no issues with him. But every time I approached him with my fertility issues, he would send me off to do an ultrasound, I'd come back and he'd tell me what I already knew, that I had PCOS. There'd be no follow up, and when I raised it again, he'd then send me off for a blood test and the obligatory 'weight loss will also greatly improve your chances'.

I'd go back again after being disheartened by his lack of doctorly service, and again, it would be ultrasound, maybe a variation like an AMH test but always just a blase response. In fact, when I received my AMH test result, he looked at it and said, 'I honestly don't know how to read these results, let me look it up on google'. In front of me he'd google how to interpret the results and he continued to say, 'well, i guess it's on the high side, typical for PCOS'. In frustration I remember I just wanted to shake the guy. What did that mean for me? Again, he'd send me away and tell me to keep trying, consider a bit of weight loss.

When I turned 35, I was well and truly over it. I was starting to change my attitude with everything. I used to be the chick who would eat my food cold, I never took anything back or returned it if there was something wrong at a supermarket, I'd just deal with it. Cold fries from McDonald? I'd just eat them. But then at 35 I decided I wouldn't put up with any more crap. I started being that person who would write a complaint letter if I got into a dodgy taxi, or bought a dodgy product from the supermarket. And I finally decided to change doctors, even if my husband wasn't going to.

The turning point came last year, when I was 34. I finally convinced my husband to come to a coupe of free IVF seminars. In all honesty, the information wasn't all that thorough, the doctors can only fit in a brief outline of procedures offered, but at the IVF Australia seminar, we listened to a doctor by the name of Dr RL and I remember feeling confident that I would get somewhere, some answers, if we sought a fertility specialist. I read that Dr RL was a PCOS specialist, and so I went back to Dr ML and asked him for a referral.

Sitting in Dr ML's office, I brought up the subject of the referral. He told me sure, but my husband had to be with me so both our names could go on the referral letter. In the meantime, he sent me off for another blood test, and the result, again, yep, I have PCOS. I couldn't believe I was being told the same thing again and again. I finally got my husband to come with me, for the sole purpose of getting a referral. I found myself with  my husband in Dr ML's office about a month or two later, saying 'You told me last time we had to be here together for a referral, so here we are'. To which he replied, no, you don't both have to be here but its good that you are. But you should have a Semen analysis first and blood tests so you can take them with you.

So we left with no referral and I vowed never to go back to this wanker again.

I finally sought a doctor located in Rhodes, Dr KJT. She had such a lovely nature, and I saw her for some menstrual issues I was having. Firstly, I'd been without a period for 10 months, and so had an ultrasound with her, she confirmed PCOS. Yes, again, but I felt that at least she didn't send me around the world. I came back again after a holiday in Europe with the opposite  problem. I'd gotten back from a month holiday in May 2013, I saw Dr KJT in July and we decided to wait and see if my period would stop on it's own as it seemed to be slowing down. She wrote my husband and I a referral to Dr RL as well so I held onto it. I felt that while I had this period issue I probably shouldn't go to the specialist just yet. The bleeding continued up until September 2013 so I found myself at DR KJT's office again, funnily enough, on a day the bleeding seemed to have stopped.

I was sent off for an ultrasound and I did my pap smear. The bleeding started again after my ultrasound.

You'd have thought by now that ultrasounds would be easy-peasy for me, but having to drink a litre of water and drive yourself to the nearest imaging place is not easy, especially when there are roadworks going on and every bump is just sending you on the verge of blowing the waterfall, so to speak.

At the ultrasound imaging place, I was about to lose my bladder, sweating like crazy, and having to hop from one foot to the other trying to hold on to the contents. The receptionist suggested I go to the bathroom and let out a little pee, and I looked at her like crazy, let out a little??? Was she serious?

She was serious. And I did it. It was painful.

I went into the room to have my ultrasound and an internal exam, something I'd never had with any of the previous ultrasounds, so I was confident this would get me somewhere. During the ultrasound, the radiologist asked me if I'd been trying to conceive and how long. I said 4 years and she was really really concerned, almost angry, that my previous doctor had farted around for so long. She suggested that after 12 months of trying and no success, a good doctor should have referred me to a fertility specialist straight away. She was actually pretty angry on my behalf. And that was when I realised how useless Dr ML had been.

The ultrasound showed that my uterine lining was on the thick side, 13mm. I took this to Dr KJT and she suggested I either come back when the bleeding stopped, and go for another ultrasound to see the lining of the uterus, post bleeding, or even better, go and finally see the fertility specialist.

So... it was now  2-3 months since we'd received our referral, and I realised I'd held onto it because I was mentally not prepared to find answers at the time. But finally, I felt like we had to do something.

One night, I went onto the IVF Australia website and submitted a query. The next day, I was contacted my one of the ladies. She'd noticed I'd asked for Dr RL but asked whether, considering my home location whether it would be more convenient for a specialist closer to me to look after us. I said sure, and so our first appointment was made for the 9th of October with Dr MK, a PCOS specialist. It was almost a month later but I knew the wait would be a while. I was just so happy that we were finally seeing someone.

 On the day of our appointment, I was nervous and I'm fairly sure my husband was too. We sat in the waiting room filling out forms and didn't say a word to each other. I felt like this was going to be the beginning of a fruitful journey, whether it be that we were deemed unable to have kids or able to. At least we'd know we tried our best.

By this stage, I think it was fair to say that trying to conceive on our own had been a psychological nightmare. The pressure on both of us was becoming unbearable having to think about timing, and then just not being up to it because of the pressure. My parents were beginning to put pressure on us too and seeing friends having children was starting to affect us.

I honestly wondered whether my fate in life was never to become a parent and I honestly felt that it was unfair on my husband too. I felt that he would be a great father and that we could be wonderful loving parents. But at times I wondered whether God didn't see it fit for us to have children. It seemed so cruel.

I remembered a joke that I'd heard about a man who prayed to God during the floods, asking him for help. He was approached by a boat and a helicopter while clinging to a tree branch and later when he drowned, God asked him why he didn't take up the boat or helicopter offer he had sent him. I realised that to a certain extent, we had to help ourselves and accept that the opportunity to see a fertility specialist was a solution for us.

We finally were called in to the office of Dr MK. The initial consultation was very thorough, I felt it was straight to the point. The first question the doctor asked us was why we were here. I was a little taken aback, because I assumed everyone came to a fertility specialist for the same reason but in hindsight I was grateful she actually asked us to articulate why we were sitting there.

She asked us our medical history, whether we had children previously, or had known infertility in our extended family. I told her about my PCOS and gave her a copy of the last Ultrasound report. And then, clearly and concisely, she explained to me what she thought we needed to do.

Dr MK pulled out a picture of a female reproductive system, and explained the thickened uterus lining to me and why I had continued bleeding that was sloughing off randomly from my uterine walls. It suddenly made perfect sense. My hormones didn't support the full shedding of the lining (a true menstrual period) and so pure gravity was aiding the sloughing off of blood from random areas of the uterine wall. She suggested I have a hysteroscopy and laparoscopy, and also a uterine curretage.

Dr MK explained that a hysteroscopy and curretage could be completed under day surgery and if I wanted, I could do the laparoscopy (where they insert blue dye into your fallopian tubes to check there are no blockages) under general ultrasound procedure. The catch was that sometimes if the ultrasound was not clear you'd have to go into day surgery and have the dye inserted via a small cut in the abdomen anyway so I opted to do it all at once under day surgery, general anaesthetic.

We booked the surgery in for the 1st of November. I was nervous but I felt so liberated, to finally be getting somewhere, some answers, it made me feel as if the nerves were not important. I actually couldn't wait for the surgery.

After the consultation I had a blood test and was told that a nurse would call me the next day to give me the nod to take a presciption of Primolut, a medication that would help stop my bleeding at least until the surgery. I never received the phone call and in the end, I didn't end up taking it. A slight set back but I could understand the issue. I just hoped there wouldn't be any problems moving forward. The nurses I spoke to during this period were so nice an apologetic, I couldn't fault them for trying to help me.

My surgery was scheduled for 6:30am so we got up early in the morning, I wore my loose clothing, no make-up, no jewellery and no nail polish as the nurse had advised the day before by phone. I fasted from midnight (well... not that many people eat after midnight so it really wasn't 'fasting).

The first thing the nurse asked me to do was go to the bathroom. I automatically walked into the bathroom but I wasn't sure if it was an order to empty my bladder or just to wash my hands. Either way, I forced myself to empty my bladder and washed my hands.

I was then taken to a curtained room with an arm chair and bed, and asked to change into a gown with the opening ties at the back. I sat down in the armchair and they rugged me up in a dressing gown and blankets while the anaesthetist talked to me. I felt like a runway model with an assistant who was changing me into gown and blankets while receiving instructions from a coordinator.

I was walked to the operating room after talking to Dr MK who was again really nice and explained the procedure. I lay down on the table, the anaesthetist went through his process with me, stuck the needle in the back of my hand and cracked a couple of jokes. The nurses asked me about my job and the next thing I know, I was out.

I woke up groggy in the recovery room about an hour and a half later, there was a nurse there holding my hand. It was honestly the most pleasant and caring experience I had gone through. I finally got up, went to the recovery chair, spoke to the nurses about post operative procedures and changing my bandages and the next thing you know, I was leaving with my husband.

When I came home, I was still groggy but I couldn't sleep. I wasn't in pain because the anaesthetic was still working it's wonders but by the late afternoon I was feeling a bit achy around my right ovary and kidney area. They'd also explained I might feel some pain in my shoulder tip due to the gas that's inserted into the abdomen/uterus and I did feel achy in my shoulder/clavicle area but it was manageable. I just took nurofen as discussed and the only bad bit of recovery was that I was getting bored of lying down and watching TV.

This morning, I woke up, day 2, with the aches in my ovaries. It seemed lying down straight or standing up was the best, whereas sitting down with weight on my ovaries was causing some discomfort. But I popped a couple more nurofen and things have been fine. I even went out for a walk today with my dog but standing up too long also turned out to be a bit painful.

By the way, during the surgery, my doctor had found a polyp and removed it. It may have been the cause of the bleeding, but the sucker has been sent off for testing and we'll know at our next appointment on the 13th of November.

So this is my journey... the start. Our specialist explained that if everything is normal after the surgery (and the husband's semen analysis is normal) there are various options for us, which will be discussed.

I feel as if we are realistic about our chances of having children. If it doesn't work out then at least we will know and I think we are open to adoption as a last resort, but we'd really love to have children of our own DNA first.

I was finally relieved to meet a specialist who could clearly explain what was actually happening to me, she never told me the obvious, to lose weight, she didn't judge me. She plainly saw the ultrasound, listened to my symptoms and acted. She clearly explained the procedures and options that would be available to us moving forward, and so, I feel like we have been given a real chance to move forward. So far, everyone we have dealt with at IVF Australia have been fantastic. So I am optimistic about our care here.

I just wish we had done this earlier...!